Lord, please let this be me...



A post on my health, but mostly my life...

As far as my health goes, according to Dr. Shah at MD Anderson, my last bloodwork showed everything is “stable.”  All I could do was look at him & say, “Well, at least something about me is stable.”  So…there you go.  I have medical proof that I’m stable!  :)

As far as how I’m doing otherwise, over the last few weeks, God has been convicting me about being thankful…in everything.  Everything, Lord?  Everything?!?!   Hmmmmmm…I don’t know, Lord.  So I kind of pushed it to the side.

Recently, I had one of “those” days.  OK, it was a Debbie Downer kind of day (apologies to anyone named Debbie).  I was feeling really pitiful about myself.  I miss my job…really it wasn’t a job.  I miss the privilege I had of serving the littlest ones of our church by being a part of our Children’s Ministry staff.  I miss the hugs around my knees.   I miss the high fives.  I miss hearing “Ms Jana!” in those sweet little voices.  I miss holding tiny babies.  I miss their parents.  I miss our wonderful volunteers.  I miss my Wednesday night staff.   I miss being a part of our church staff.  I miss it all so much it hurts.

See?  I told you it was very Debbie Downer-ish.

On top of that, we are down to one car.  So now that school has started, unless I can work it out to borrow my Mom’s car, I’m pretty much trapped here in our little apartment.  I’ve always been very independent, so not having the freedom to run to the drugstore or wherever if I need to…even if I don’t…has been a huge adjustment.

In the midst of all that self-pity, here comes that conviction again.  “Jana, thank Me for EVERYTHING.”  Again, there I was with the questioning.  “Everything , Lord?  So You’re telling me I should be thankful for:

      …  having cancer?
      …  being in pain?
      …  having a wonky immune system?
      …  feeling guilty that because I can’t work we’re having financial struggles?
      …  not being able to get out & do things for myself?
      …  struggling helping out around the house?
      …  having trouble sleeping?
      …  missing my job?
      …  missing “my” little ones?
      …  missing my life before this all happened?"

His answer?  A simple, “Yes.”  It wasn’t, “Yes because…” or “Yes, I know it’s hard, but…”  Not even a, “Because I said so, young lady. That’s why!”  It was simply a soft gentle, “Yes.”

Then He reinforced that conviction through scripture I read the next day:  ”Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

So, here I am, trying to remember to be thankful for all things in all circumstances.  I’m not saying I’m 100% there, but I’m trying.  Thankfully the Lord knows how painfully human I am and is infinitely patient with me.

Please know that all of you who check on me & are lifting me up in prayer are a blessing to me.  Thank you!

Ain't that just like God?

The title of this post is a saying that my Granny Forbes used to use whenever she could see God’s hand at work.

 

I am currently in Houston for my 3^rd trip to MD Anderson.  I have received blessing after blessing from the moment the plane landed here in Houston.  The sweet young lady who was helping me with a wheelchair to get to the rental car shuttles (if I walk long distances, I really hurt) asked me why I was visiting Houston.  When I told her I was going to MD Anderson, she told me she would pray for me.

 

While I was at the rental car lot, a gentleman in front of me asked why I was visiting Houston.  He said he would pray for me too.  Then, before he walked out to his car, he asked if he could stop and pray for me.  He prayed the sweetest prayer for healing and protection while I was here.  He also spoke scripture over me.  It was a precious time.

 

As I was following the GPS directions to get to my hotel…haven’t mastered that part yet…I went by a grocery store that I don’t remember seeing when I’ve been here before.  I was so thankful because I was getting pretty tired by that time. I was concerned that by the time I got to the part of town where I needed to be, I’d be too tired to go to the store.  So I decided to pull in.  I got the groceries I needed and was putting them on the belt to check out.  The checker asked me if I had their discount card.  I told him that I wasn’t from Houston so I didn’t have one.  The lady in front of me, who had not walked away yet said, “Here, use mine.”  Then she leaned over and scanned her card.  It saved me $4.00.  Not much, but every little bit helps.

 

Today, I had to have blood drawn for lab work and a bone survey (x-ray from head to toe).  I was done with both in just under an hour.  I’ve never had that happen here.  I was able to come back to the hotel & rest for a bit before I met a dear friend who lives in this area for lunch.

 

So, those are all little things, but together they remind me how much God loves me and wants only the best for me.  Ain’t that just like God?  Yes it is, and for that I am so grateful!

Feel free not to read this whine fest…

This time, this post is more for me and doesn’t contain any updates on my health.  Mostly, as the title says, its just a whinefest.  I’ve been feeling kind of pitiful about myself lately & decided maybe venting here would help me feel better.

Dealing with this mess is so ridiculously frustrating.  Some days, I feel pretty good & actually get things done.  Mostly I fight back the laundry monster, but I guess that’s better than nothing.  I don’t get out much.  With my immune system being so wonky & the flu being so bad this year, we decided it would probably be best if I didn’t get around large groups of people. Well, that pretty much takes going to church out of the picture.  I make quick runs to Walgreens or CVS &once in a rare while will go out to eat with my family.  Other than that, I’m just hanging around the house.  Thank goodness for Facebook.  At least that lets me stay in touch with the world.

Then, on top of the immune system mess, there’s the pain to deal with.  Sometimes my upper arms &legs ache so much it’s just ridiculous. I can’t walk very far without dealing with the pain.  So frustrating.  I have some pain medication I can take, but it’s not very strong.  I can’t take the stronger stuff.  Anything with hydrocodone in it winds me up like a top. I guess I should just be thankful I have a pain med I can take.

The kicker to all of that is I’m struggling sleeping.  I either can’t get to sleep, or I can’t stay asleep.  Some days I feel like a walking zombie.

 

The worst part is having to step away from my position at the church and not get to be around “my” preschoolers. Hearing them say, “Miss Jana!” and come running up for a hug made my heart so happy.  I miss those little doodlebugs so much it hurts.

 

So…there you go.  Just call me Miss Whinypants.  Truthfully, I am blessed to be surrounded by family & friends who love me & support me unconditionally.  Most of all, I know that God has a plan for my life that is better than anything I could have imagined.  I know this because He promised me this in His Word:

 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)

 

“For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord . "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT)

So be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests fire and purifies gold - though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.  So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.  (1 Peter 1: 6, 7 NLT)